"When It Rains Gasoline" by Jason D. Martin....a funny monologue

ALYSA: Do you realize that tonight is the most important night of my life? On my God! Do you? It's like totally more important than cheer tryouts. It's more important than my first kiss, the first day of middle school, the first day of high school, the first day of Driver's Ed, more important that my driver's license, more important than any of my ex-boyfriends, more important than my current boyfriends...I mean friend. It is the pinnacle of the high school experience. The prom. Prom night. The night that I will remember for the rest of my life. I spent $600 on my dress. Anyway, Jane Hickman spent $1,000... She's totally a daddy's girl. For her sixteenth birthday, her Dad bought her a brand new Ford Explorer. For my sixteenth birthday I only got a two year old Taurus. Whatever. Some girls are born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She's such a snobby little rich girl. A little rich girl whose parents buy her anything she wants. Her parents have a swimming pool and tennis court. All we have is a jacuzzi. One time she told me she (Makes quote signs with her fingers.) liked my outfit. She's such a snob. I know what she meant. She was making fun of my new designer jeans. She thinks they're out of fashion already. Slut. Oh well, I'm not going to let Jane Hickman ruin the most important night of my life. My $600 dress is way more stylish than that over-priced rag she's gonna wear. That little bitch. That little slut. I'm gonna be homecoming royalty for sure. Homecoming queen! I hate Jane Hickman. Hicky Hickman, 'cause she's always got a hicky on her neck. That little hootchie mamma better not be getting on the royal court. I'd just kill myself if she was homecoming queen. I'd kill myself! It's bad enough that her dress cost more. It's bad enough she's got a pool and a tennis court. I hate my parents. I can't believe you're related to my Mom. She's so lame. At least you have money. We sure don't. Why don't we have a pool and a tennis court? My Mom is so lazy all she does is sit around at the computer. My Dad's never around. He's always at the (Makes quotes with fingers again.) office. Whatever that means. Like if he was at the (makes quotes one last time.) office, he'd be making money right? Well, maybe he needs to get his butt in gear and get his daughter a $1,500 dress so she doesn't look like a bag lady at the prom. That's what I'm going to look like. A bag lady! Jane Hickman is gonna be prom queen for sure. This is gonna be the worst night of my life.